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Is it ever a good suggestion to remain mates with an ex?
Final month, Life Equipment requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. In the event you share children or pets, it’d make sense, say our relationship specialists. However steer clear when you had been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite particular person.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the wide selection of potentialities that may come when a romance ends. Some mentioned their ex was their greatest pal. Some mentioned they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others mentioned they realized … they did not wish to be mates in any respect!
These responses have been edited for size and readability.
‘We nonetheless stay collectively’
My ex and I should not solely good mates, however we nonetheless stay collectively underneath the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.
Once we bought divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is dear in California. We would every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our dwelling and discover our personal locations to stay.
We additionally did not wish to cut up time with our son, who was 5 years outdated on the time. With this association, we might co-parent extra successfully and see our son each day. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be accountable for our son and his care. Now, nearly 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.
Sure, courting has been onerous. Who needs to this point a person who nonetheless lives together with his ex? However the professionals far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales
‘My ex-wife is my greatest pal’
I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. Now we have two youngsters, a son and daughter who at the moment are grown and stay shut by.
For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be damage, indignant and misplaced. However after wanting again on hurtful issues I mentioned and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.
Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. Right this moment, my ex-wife is my greatest pal. We advise one another on many aspects of life, from coping with siblings to dwelling restore. We rejoice household occasions along with our youngsters and their vital others. We at the moment are very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 yr outdated, the enjoyment of our lives.
It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler
‘I need little contact with my ex’
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We had been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who at the moment are 33 and 28.
For the sake of our kids and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to keep up an amicable relationship. However I’m not certain what the form of that relationship will appear to be going ahead.
In the meanwhile, I need as little contact with my ex as doable. I would like the psychological area to find who I’m in 2024 as a not too long ago divorced 67 yr outdated. And I wish to permit the sentiments and ideas in regards to the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper
‘I want he had been a tiny bit depressing’
Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and associate of 21 years divorced me. He mentioned he nonetheless needed me in his life, however as a pal.
We’re in common contact and meet up a pair occasions per week. However I will be trustworthy: it has been tough seeing him simply decide up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with every little thing. I need him to be blissful, however on the similar time I want he had been a tiny bit depressing.
The truth that now we have a fairly small circle of mates does not assist. After I see him with a mutual pal, they talk about folks of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip
P.S. Make certain your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.
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‘He believed we’d proceed to be greatest mates’
When my 15-year relationship was ending, my associate — who was within the midst of creating himself my ex — mentioned he firmly believed we’d proceed to be greatest mates.
Unexpectedly, I blurted out, “however I’m not mates with folks of your caliber.”
It’s fascinating to comprehend that the one that you entered the connection with can turn into somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, understanding one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz
‘It created one thing lovely’
My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a foul breakup stuffed with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.
Nonetheless, I needed to turn into mates once more. We each are queer and felt numerous strain to turn into mates for the sake of our pal group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for every little thing that went mistaken. It backfired so dangerous that we didn’t discuss for years after.
It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We had been dwelling in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different girl. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.
We had lengthy talks about how we might be higher mates and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. After I was pregnant, my ex was my assist particular person. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.
This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the area to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we wish to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly lovely. –LaKecia Farmer
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This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We would love to listen to from you. Go away us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or electronic mail us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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